I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
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I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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