The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
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