I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
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His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
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I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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