I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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