Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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