I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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