I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
