So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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