he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
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i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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