the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
