Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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