This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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