Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
oh god the rape fog is back!
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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