if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
