I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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