Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
