Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
