Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
