i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
