i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
