I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize