Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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