giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
