Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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