saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
honey bunches of taint.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize