every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
