I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
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I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
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HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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