Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
50% drunk capacity currently
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
