it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I won't apologize to a one balled man
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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