you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
