Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
