I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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