I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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