i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
