So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
stop calling my apartment porn island.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
