My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
it glows. i had to have it.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Semen is not good for contacts.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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