Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
