maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Randomize
