I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
