my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
