if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
