Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
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