i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
