I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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