just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
