I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
