and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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