i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
