Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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