She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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