if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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