Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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