I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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