all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
