I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
