I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
