just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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